As the saying goes, “every dog has his day”. And every day, probably just like you, I encounter fellow human beings whether personally, or through viewing people in the media, whose actions arouse feelings of extreme annoyance, anger (me) and an all-consuming desire to inflict bodily harm on them (also me).

Some excellent examples of this include Justin Bieber (just disappear, Justin. I’ve heard Pluto’s nice this year…), chuggers (if I’d wanted to be stopped in the street every 20 yards I would have got employment as a traffic warden), and cash machine slowcoaches (what are they keying in, their life story?)

Now, please don’t take this as a rant, Victor Meldrew stylie, against society. I simply make little observations and besides, that would be an easy shot. I like to be a little more creative in expressing my feelings, and exacting my revenge.

Yes, you heard right.


Now, let’s dispel any worries, folks. I’m not going all Charlie Manson on you here. But instead of being all stiff upper-lipped and British about these constant slights to our lives, we can exact our pint of blood creatively, and get some enjoyment in the process.

Whilst day-dreaming recently, I came up with some intriguing strategies, all of which, should you choose to carry out this mission, I refuse to accept responsibility for if you end up in the crap. Get your own lawyer. But I think you’ll agree, these solutions are a little more innovative than outright violence.

  • Do the Heimlich manoeuvre on obnoxious fellow diners in restaurants. Without them being ill at all. Then shout out “But I used to be an extra in ER, you bastards,” as the police lead you away. Expect a good kicking thereafter.
  • Pretend you’re Katie Hopkins whenever possible. You know, saying/tweeting vile, ill-informed bigoted shite and looking permanently constipated. It’s also much easier to carry off if you too, are goddamned pig ugly.
  • Befriend an annoying scrote, borrow their ‘phone, and ring any fromagerie in France in order to see how long you can stay on the phone explaining why our cheeses are better than theirs. Call duration: thirty minutes minimum.
  • Ask for a skinny-costa-lotta-mocha-frotha-wop-bop-a-loo-bop-a-loo-bam-boo to go at one of the multitude of coffee shops that blight our high streets like a dose of the clap. You may experience the sheer joy of getting barred from Starbucks. Result!

So, in conclusion, I trust that these insidious little forms of psychological warfare (otherwise known as putting people into a complete mindfuck) help you gently navigate the choppy waters of life. Any further thoughts on this subject from you are welcomed however; any that involve the use of plastique explosive will not be and do wait for that robust knock on your front door soon after you press “Send”.



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