Life In The Warzone

Picture the scene. The combatants circle each other warily, each eying the other; searching for signs of hesitation or weakness. Determined to achieve victory at any cost. There can be only one.

Movement. The moment’s here. The arena’s clear! They clash, tearing, biting and scratching, frantically fighting for the prize.

Is this the “Rumble In The Jungle?” The “Thriller in Manila?” No, fight fans. This is the shocking moment a group of shoppers wrestled on the floor of a supermarket while scrambling for cut-price food ‘like scavenging dogs.’

These amazing scenes unfolded at a Tesco Extra store in Northampton after marked down chicken and steaks were put on trays by the meat counter at around 7pm. Grown men and women can be seen crowding in the aisles before pushing and shoving each other to get hold of the food – some of them on their hands and knees, with some scenes being reminiscent of those seen at refugee camps in Africa, not in 21st century Britain.

A spokesman commented: ‘Tesco has a responsibility to conduct themselves properly when dealing with customers and urgent attention will be given to ensure these scenes are not repeated.’ Really? Tell that to the Mongol Hordes in plastic macs and wheeled baskets most nights, sonny Jim.

And by the way, this (albeit without the mud wrestling) happens most days in my local Tesco here in beautiful (??) Derby – with the nastiest and dirtiest bastards being the frigging pensioners. Just because you’ve got a bus pass and a few more wrinkles than me, Mrs. Miggins, it doesn’t give you the right to eye gouge. Low blow, Ref!

We’re the UK, the world’s sixth richest economy. What have we become? Where will it all end? It’s all gone Pete Tong!

Is it that as household incomes and living standards have been squeezed following the recession, one in five children are now classified as living in poverty? God doesn’t know, and neither does anyone else, it seems.

All I know is this. Good luck to you, should you choose to accept this mission, in venturing into the Reduced section anytime after 6pm in Derby Tesco. Train hard, be ruthless; have plenty of O- ready.

And be wary of that cow in the plastic rain cap with purple violets. There’s an evil gleam in her eye that says “Screw the Geneva Convention. That Tiger Loaf at 11p IS MINE.”

I think the bitch packs a Taser as well. God help you.


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