Having a bit of a boredom moment recently, I decided to go a-roaming in the gloaming courtesy of that wonderful invention, the radio wireless set. Having travelled through the meandering crap that constitutes their output nowadays, I chanced on a phone-in show discussing that peculiar topic: sexual problems in relationships.

Interesting, I thought, and besides, there’s nothing else anyway. Their ‘expert’, some mellow-voiced soothsayer type was dispensing wisdom to all – everything’s good, yes?

Wrong. I’ve never heard a bigger pile of patronising, ill-informed sanctimonious horseshit for a long time. And I swear that if you slapped Mr Porky, the Love Truncheon in her manicured little hand, she would scream and run from the scene faster than Mo Farah.

For the sake of argument, I shall henceforth refer to the lady in question as ‘Dr. Feelgood’, and here’s MY take on the subjects raised:

Where has my sexual desire gone, and how do I get it back?

DR. FEELGOOD: “Sexual desire is normal for most people. Sometimes a person who is able to become physiologically aroused in the normal way develops an inability to feel comfortable with the idea of having sex.”

ME: What’s this tripe? Of course it’s normal ya idiot. And what’s uncomfortable about wanting to get down and dirty with someone? Don’t get wound up about it, and it’ll happen. Jeez.

Why am I having problems getting aroused? I want to have sex!

DR. FEELGOOD: “Both men and women can have difficulty becoming physically aroused, even when they desire it. Arousal failures can occur naturally and normally and are nothing to be concerned about.”

ME: Yes, it is! Any bloke would be worried if their Soldier of Love wasn’t standing to attention when on parade. The same with their partner. And there’s more than enough geography in the male and female landscapes to explore in order to get all excited about. Although admittedly, there are certain nether regions that can, on reflection, look somewhat strange, but hey, that’s life. Get on with it.

Why is it over too quickly – or does it go on too long?

DR. FEELGOOD: “Orgasm can be elusive for some, while others may experience it more quickly than they, or their partners, wish.”

ME: And? So long as it doesn’t happen whilst preliminary negotiations are taking place, it don’t matter. Be glad you’re gettin’ some.

Sex is painful. What should I do?

DR. FEELGOOD: “People experience painful sex for all kinds of reasons, from the simple matter of trapped hair causing irritation to more serious conditions that require professional treatment.”

ME: Now I would take issue here. If either one or both of you are Hairy Marys’ you better get it sorted, because it’s not nice having to fight the privet hedge when you’re all randified and het up. Get pruning that rose patch, pronto.

Am I too old for sex?

DR. FEELGOOD: “Common mythology suggests that sexual failure of one kind or another is a natural consequence of ageing.”

ME: Speak for yourself, pal. Nineteen or ninety – keep on laying that pipe, boyo. Might take some time later on, but it’s more fun than going to the bingo so persevere in rattling that cage. Yeah, baby.

How often should we have sex?

DR. FEELGOOD: “The question of sexual frequency is a tricky one. Take a couple who have different requirements – James wants sex twice a day, while Jane wants it once a week. Jane is likely to label James “a sex addict”, while James may criticise Jane for what he considers “a low sex drive”. Such differences can be worked out.”

ME: Common sense should prevail here, guys. If you’re not going to balling her anytime soon, then live with it. Just save it all up for the next earth-shattering, howling, bestial festival of utter Bacchanalian abandon that constitutes for boingy-boingy in your household. All will be well.

See? Now who’s responses make more sense in the reality of daily life – I think mine do, but who knows? You may feel differently, but I still feel with my solutions that they’re more practical and entail more fun than the Doc’s.

So have fun, get down with it, and rattle that bed frame. I thank you.



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