Hello, Gentle Readers! Lovely to communicate with you again – it’s always a pleasure. Anyway, last week, I received a catalogue aimed at my invalid class with an emphasis on incontinence. Why, your might say? Just don’t ask. Featuring a treasure trove of contrivances guaranteed to camouflage gerontal (excuse me?) leakage, it offered ‘source obstruction, material absorption and fluid diversion’. In layman’s terms, everything you need when your waste management hydraulics go tits up.
And that wasn’t all. Marching along with these were old gits gadgets for donning stockings, separating toes, aiding hearing, and vision, tools for opening cans and jars, et al. Lovely. Or not.
So that’s the sodding world that awaits me is it? A crumbling world all padded and cushioned with elastic, foam, Velcro and viscose. Brilliant, and just when I was beginning to conveniently ignore the finality that we do, unfortunately, inhabit finite bodies.
But for me, that’s the least of my concerns. The real issue is losing our minds. As the cells misfire, the chemicals unbalance, the synapses disconnect; we lose our faculties. And currently, with the PC-driven preoccupation with health and safety, today’s young brats are urged to forego the joys of alcohol, the reassurance of nicotine, the delight of saturated fats, replacing these with vitamins, baby oil and strange elixirs derived from wombats’ placentas. They are required to wear hard hats and harnesses for any activity that might occasion a broken nail or bruised ego. Poor ickle darlings…
And so they will enter their later ages starved of joy, their souls disappointed and barren of joy, but their bodies relatively undamaged and healthy. Screw that for a game of soldiers. It’s time to turn the clock back to a more dangerous era, and as us codgers are the only ones still living we have the authority to advocate it. I’m uncomfortably aware that as I look back, it is those moments when I went too fast, dared too much, caused fornicative carnage, fell too far, and drank too much which bring a smile to my lips; an ache to my heart.
So my advice to you young Gentle Readers is simple. Eat, drink, even smoke (preferably not, please), and be generally merry, because that way, when you reach a more advanced age, you can still get out there, cause havoc, partay and boogaloo till you puke (thanks, Robin). And you will be spared the many days of misery for yourself and your friends and family that will occur if you don’t. Listen to these sage words, my children, for they will come to pass…
Finally, live short and prosper.