Twats On Trains

Ahh, at last, summer is beginning to make its presence known to us mortals. Holidays are in the offing, and with them the necessary prospect of travel. Like it or loathe, we’ve all experienced not only the pleasures, but also, the increased nightmare of going from A to B.

Take train travel for example. Now I’m a big fan of this mode of travel, but there’s an increasing level of anti-social behaviour that spoils the experience for me pretty much every time I try it.

It’s caused by selfish, inconsiderate gits who have no thoughts for anyone else but themselves.


Apparently, eight out of ten Britons admit they can be annoying on the train, with excessively loud conversations, noisy eating and constant coughing also emerged as the annoying habits driving passengers up the wall.

And it drives me batshit. If there’s one thing that flips my switch, it’s rudeness. And the following illustrates perfectly why so often, I am sorely tempted to strangle the SOB’s who act in such ways:

  1. The self important git with his bag on the seat. On a jam-packed train.
  2. The parents who can’t be bothered to silence their shrieking spawn.
  3. The middle-aged bint with the keyboard clicks on her phone.
  4. The group of young twats playing music on their phones. Usually by some unknown boy group previously rejected by ‘X Factor’ with absolutely no ability whatsoever.
  5. The pissed up banter lads. No, you’re not funny in the slightest, you assholes.
  6. The person eating the smelliest food in existence.
  7. Someone with their fucking feet on the fucking seat. On a jam-packed train. Tosspot.
  8. The human being with the worst laugh ever that doesn’t stop laughing. Until they’re punched. Repeatedly.
  9. The woman screaming into her phone for no reason.
  10. The creepy guy drinking a case of Special Brew alone.
  11. The. Fucking. Hen. Party.
  12. Some asshole cyclist having a hissy fit about their pissing bike getting in everyone’s way.
  13. The teenage girl idiot who asks every thing like a question? For no fucking reason?
  14. And finally, MORE FUCKING SPAWN.

The kinder of my Gentle Readers may think that I’m being overly harsh. But try being confined in a carriage on a long journey, on a hot day, with delays and no buffet car, and convince me otherwise-‘cos you won’t. And if one more highly irritating little infant shit kicks my seat again, they’ll be seeing what the inside of a chemical toilet looks like, pronto.

Apart from that, I’m pretty good, thanks. Have a nice one.


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