Psychotic Scholastic.

Yes, little, Jimmy and Jemima, it’s that time of year again! Back to school! All the freedoms of the summer break are ending, and you WILL be returning to the bliss (what, Shaun? You been on the gin again…) that is SCHOOL. Hooray! Really? More like ‘Oh, shit…’ Thankfully, I’m not a parent and I couldn’t give a rats ass about giving real parents smug, patronising advice about how to turn their spawn into future CEO’s.

So, being the sick and twisted genius that I am, I prefer to take the road less travelled (my thanks to  Robert Frost) and that means advising parental Gentle Readers on the most appropriate products to prepare their mini-Einsteins’ for school. Products that will ensure delight, extreme fear, and guaranteed expulsion within one day, or your money back. After you’ve collected them from the local jail, that is.

If they have ambitions to go all James Herriot and pursue a career in the veterinary sciences, this handy-dandy kitty pencil sharpener would be ideal. Imagine the squeals of delight (?) when the time comes to sharpen a pencil by inserting said pencil right into kittys’ ass and rotating vigorously (kitty peritonitis to ensue accordingly.) And obviously, a cat’s anus, as we all know, contains rows and rows of sharp teeth which spin at high speeds to sharpen any inserted object to a point.

Not only is this a cool cat anatomy fact, but it’s also an important lesson in teaching your child not to touch a cat’s ringpiece, lest their finger get shredded by the feline anus dentata. Finally, remember to instruct your child not to place pencils around or in a cat’s arse, as this will likely agitate the cat and cause it to scratch.

Bullying. As old as Time itself, and as lousy as it is, always rears it’s ugly, cowardly little head. School teaches children critical lessons, like “My chair is not a toilet” or “Becky’s braids are indeed attached to her scalp” or “The only law to the Universe is that of power. The mighty conquer the weak, and the wealthy can control the mighty.” So give your kids a head start in learning how the world operates by supplying them with counterfeit money to bribe the tormenting bastards.

Not only will your children avoid multiple injuries, but they’ll rule the playground by paying muscle to ensure their own protection. And don’t worry about anyone spotting the difference. It does clearly say FAKE, but as we have a literacy problem in this country, that won’t matter.

If American Literature comes up as a topic, your kiddies could opt for H.P. Lovecraft! Jotting their unintelligible scrawls in a unique journal made of teeth and demonic eyes! The Necronomicon! When they are the class outcast (probably because they’ve run out of fake money they can take solace from their charnel house of a journal; staring lifelessly up, leering fangs jutting out from folds of rotting, bloodstained skin. A charming, folksy and utterly disturbing school essential.

WARNING: Instruct your child to keep their fingers away from the journal’s mouth. It is fully functional, and even a single drop of blood will give it enough power to start moving of its own accord.


So there you go, parent-type Readers. Just regard these sage words as a public information service, and do be mindful that Speak! accepts absolutely no liability for any injury, physical or (probably) mental suffered thereof.

NEXT: “Metalwork 101 – Craft & Design/How To Manufacture Nipple Piercings.”


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